Check On The Men In Your Life: Why Men's Mental Health Matters This November
As the holidays approach, stress, loneliness, financial pressure and family responsibilities can quietly pile up. For many men, asking for help still does not come easily.
November brings cooler weather, shorter days and the beginning of the holiday season. It is also a good time to have a conversation that many families and communities still avoid: How are the men in our lives really doing?
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Not the automatic answer.
Not, “I’m fine.”
Not, “Just tired.”
But really doing.
For many men, stress is carried quietly. They go to work, take care of responsibilities, help others, pay the bills, solve problems and keep moving. From the outside, everything may appear normal.
Inside can be a very different story.
Depression, anxiety, loneliness, financial worries, relationship problems, grief and substance use do not always look like someone crying or saying they need help. In men, emotional struggles can sometimes appear as anger, irritability, drinking more, working constantly, withdrawing from family and friends, sleeping poorly or simply becoming unusually quiet.
And the consequences can be devastating.
Men continue to account for the large majority of suicide deaths in the United States. Those numbers represent fathers, sons, brothers, partners, coworkers, neighbors, friends and members of our communities.
The Man Who Says He’s Fine
One of the difficulties with men’s mental health is that there may never be an obvious request for help.
Generations of boys grew up hearing some version of the same message:
Be tough.
Don’t complain.
Handle your problems.
Take care of everyone else.
Keep going.
There is value in resilience. But resilience is not the same thing as pretending nothing hurts.
A man can be dependable, hardworking and strong while also struggling with depression.
He can care deeply about the people in his life while feeling completely overwhelmed.
He can laugh with coworkers during the day and feel alone when he gets home.
He can seem confident, social and successful while privately dealing with anxiety, grief or hopelessness.
Sometimes the people closest to him simply don’t know.
The Holiday Season Can Add Pressure
November and December can be joyful months, but they can also bring additional pressure.
There are gifts to buy, family gatherings to attend, year-end bills, work deadlines, travel plans and expectations to create the perfect holiday.
For someone who has lost a loved one, traditions can bring grief back to the surface.
Others may be dealing with a breakup, divorce, unemployment, health problems, financial trouble, loneliness or family conflict while watching everyone around them seemingly celebrate.
For men who already feel isolated, the holidays can make that isolation feel even heavier.
That is why this time of year is a particularly good time to check in.
And checking in does not require a dramatic conversation.
It can start with:
“How have you been doing lately?”
“You seem stressed. Everything okay?”
“You’ve been pretty quiet. Want to talk?”
Or simply:
“Want to grab some coffee?”
Sometimes the invitation matters more than the words.
Pay Attention When Someone Changes
There is no single sign that tells you someone is struggling, but changes in behavior deserve attention.
A friend who suddenly stops answering messages.
A normally social coworker who withdraws.
Someone drinking much more than usual.
A man who seems constantly angry, exhausted or on edge.
Someone who stops enjoying things they normally love.
A friend who starts giving away belongings or talking as though others would be better off without him.
A person who suddenly seems disconnected from work, family, friendships or everyday life.
Do not assume someone else will ask.
Ask yourself.
You do not need to solve his problems.
You do not need the perfect advice.
Sometimes the most important thing you can do is listen.
Men Also Need To Check On Other Men
Changing men’s mental health cannot fall entirely on partners, family members or friends outside their circle.
Men need to check on other men.
Friends can talk about more than sports, work, hobbies and whatever needs fixing.
A simple conversation between two friends can create an opening that might not otherwise exist.
“Man, you’ve seemed off lately. You doing all right?”
That sentence may feel awkward.
Say it anyway.
There is nothing weak about telling a friend that life has become difficult.
There is nothing embarrassing about talking with a counselor.
And there is nothing strong about suffering alone simply because you think you are supposed to.
Some Men Face Additional Barriers
Not every man experiences mental health in the same way.
Some men may face additional pressure because of race, culture, sexuality, disability, military service, financial hardship or expectations within their family or community.
Gay, bisexual and other LGBTQ+ men may also deal with rejection, discrimination, isolation or fear of being judged.
Veterans and first responders may carry trauma that is difficult to explain to people who have not shared those experiences.
Older men may struggle with retirement, loss, health problems or loneliness.
Younger men may feel pressure to succeed financially, socially and professionally while trying to figure out where they fit.
The details may be different, but the message should be the same.
You are allowed to ask for help.
You Do Not Have To Wait For A Crisis
Mental health support is not only for someone who is considering suicide.
A person can seek help because they are overwhelmed.
Because a relationship is struggling.
Because they cannot sleep.
Because they are drinking too much.
Because they have stopped enjoying life.
Because they are angry all the time and do not understand why.
Because they feel lonely.
Because something simply feels wrong.
You do not need a diagnosis before talking to someone.
You do not even need to know exactly what is happening.
“I haven’t been doing very well lately” is enough.
Before The Holidays, Make The Call
As November begins and families start making Thanksgiving and Christmas plans, consider adding one more thing to the list.
Call your dad.
Text your brother.
Check on your son.
Invite your friend to lunch.
Reach out to a coworker who has gotten unusually quiet.
Check on the neighbor you have not seen in a while.
Ask twice when someone quickly says, “I’m fine.”
And if you are the man who has been carrying everything yourself, consider telling someone.
You do not have to tell everyone.
Tell one person.
That is enough to start.
Help Is Available
Anyone experiencing emotional distress or a mental health crisis can call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. The service is free and confidential, and a person does not have to be suicidal to contact 988.
Veterans, service members and their loved ones can call 988 and press 1 or text 838255 to reach the Veterans Crisis Line.
Local support is also available through Celebrate Recovery Alton, a community-based recovery program that offers support for people dealing with addiction, emotional struggles and other difficult life issues.
Other support may also be available through local counseling centers, support groups, faith-based organizations, nonprofits and employee assistance programs.
If someone appears to be in immediate danger, contact emergency services.
One Question Can Matter
We spend a lot of time telling men to be strong.
Maybe we should broaden what strength means.
Strength can be providing for the people you care about.
Strength can be protecting others.
Strength can be getting back up after life knocks you down.
But strength can also be saying:
“I need some help.”
And sometimes friendship is having the courage to look someone in the eye and ask:
“Are you really okay?”
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